Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I want to have your abortion
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
