my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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