Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
