I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
