On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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