Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
