i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
