I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
