Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
