someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
