Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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