"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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