I'm going to jail i love you
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
