I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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