A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
