Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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