Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Small penises have feelings too.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
