It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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