When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
