i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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