I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
