I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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