The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
