I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
