she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
