I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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