he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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