Im at strip club and am horny
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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