my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
