she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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