I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
