batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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