I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
