if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His nipple licking is glorious
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