last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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