I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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