I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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