I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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