where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
