you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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