my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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