Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
