my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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