Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
