Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
