I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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