Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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