so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
