Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
