i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
