i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
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