I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
